my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize