Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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