I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize