She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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