Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
