I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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