Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
