no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
