Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
