I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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