i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
