I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize