Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
