Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
