I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
