We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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