Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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