Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize