her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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