I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
