for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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