Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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