you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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