Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
