Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The air taste purple.
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