yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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