so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
