i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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