I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
