time to smoke my breakfast
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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