If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
