So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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