please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
