Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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