ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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