hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
