SEEEEXXX PLEASE
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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