ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize