i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
