Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
