My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
