I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
