Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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