im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
