The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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