I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
