The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
