Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize