paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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