roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
