Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
