Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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