So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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