Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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