Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
