I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
