Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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