You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
