only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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