ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize