If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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